Harder before it gets easier.

I've been here before. I know this drill. I know how it works. This morning was the roughest yet. I had to very specifically tell myself not to drive into any parking lots except for my work. It would have been so very easy to just drive into the grocery store. Just some fruits and veggies. And a sandwich for lunch. Also that bag of chips, and...

Well, you get the point. I actually changed lanes so that I would have to cut across traffic.

This is the addiction brain talking, folks. I am at the point right now where I need to do things like this. I felt the "zombie" coming on. I felt the lack of control start to settle in. It's almost a haze, a stupor. I had to specifically shake myself out of it.

But I did it.

This morning was a battle. But for now, I have won.

1 banana, 3/4 C granola, 3/4 C milk. That's all until lunch, except for possibly some free berries when the 9:00 hour hits. Wait, free berries? Drop the possibly.

What helped me out this morning was, frankly, what I had posted yesterday - I am looking to get some rewards for losing some weight, and knowing that they were dangled in front of me, I told myself that it was worth it to me to make better decisions.

And it's true. But here's the catch - there is not always going to be the carrot to dangle in front of myself. I know that sometime I'm going to have to do this for much different reasons - because it's the right food to eat, because I want to care for myself. But right now, those motivations are simply not enough to overcome whatever pathways have been burned into my brain.

For now, it is going to get harder before it gets easier. And my motivations have to be enough to get me over the proverbial hump.

I am working on it.

But for today, I have conquered.

And that is enough.

-Silas