Friday, May 22, 2015

More struggles, and happily, success.

The ups and downs are normal. I get that. Yesterday it was much easier to say no to the things that I knew I shouldn't eat.

This morning? Wow. I had to remind myself that actually yes, just giving in this morning WILL hurt me. That if I give in today, it's not like I'm going to magically not want to eat incredible amounts of high calorie food tomorrow. And if I give in today, then tomorrow will suck. So will Sunday. And Monday morning, I'd be right back at the grocery store, buying more chips and donuts.

It is truly a never-ending cycle. I have to somehow learn to just stay OFF of it. Today I have been able to do that once again.

I'm going to lunch with my brother. It should be a good time. I told him I'd like to go get a sandwich. Something under 500 calories, and I'll be just fine.

Until then - well, I've had a small breakfast again, and I need to keep everything else away. I should be able to do it.

Exercise wise - well, I'm not where I should be yet. One step at a time. I think that my next project is going to be working on getting to the gym again.

Have I mentioned how much I love/hate going to the gym?

I love working out, when my knees don't hurt. After I get past a certain point - there are many of you who understand - I really do get the endorphins. It's an amazing feeling.

However, this is also the same gym where I won the weight-loss competition. There are some of the trainers who are rather constantly there (go figure). I know this is probably rather narcissistic, but I really hate walking by when they are there. I know they know who I am. I know they wonder what has happened.

Or maybe they don't wonder. Maybe they've seen it all too often.

Regardless, I am always completely mortified. Yes, I know I should just get over it. But I am very truly ashamed of what has happened over the past 10 months. I have gone from very lean, very fit, to out of control again.

I feel a great amount of shame at what I have done to myself. The fact that it is so very visible makes it impossible to hide. Even though I want to so very bad.

I don't know if anyone recognizes me. I really don't. But it always feels like it. Maybe deep down inside I'm one of those people who judges others. I don't know - if so, it's buried somewhere in my subconscious. I try not to.

But it would explain why also, deep down inside, I feel judged for my weight and my struggles.

I don't know. But I think that this is something that I need to find out.

Well - this post has taken a very different turn from where it started, but I feel that it has been the right way to go. I need a lot more honest introspection. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me, making me tick, so that I can make some longer-term changes.

The struggle is real.

Anyway, there were some things last week that I posted, one of which was a list of "daily" things that absolutely has to be done daily. I've sort of let that go, what with being sick and a hurt knee.

I think it's time to bring it back up again.

I'm here. I'm fighting. And sometimes, I'm even winning.


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