Didn't want to post.
But no excuses. I did not make good choices this afternoon. Back to old habits, yet again.
Time for more introspection. I need to analyze what happened, how it happened, and what I can do to hopefully keep it from happening again.
I will be back tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Happy Tuesday
I am a Scoutmaster of a local troop. With Scout Camp coming up, I needed to get a physical. So I went to my doctor's this morning.
Turns out I'm super healthy, I just happen to be *gasp!* overweight.
So there's that.
It has been easy to stay within my calorie range so far today. I had to fast until the appointment so that they could get the correct blood work results. So not much food yet today.
I'll see how today goes. I won't like - I'm struggling a bit with cravings. That happens when I don't eat enough. I'll have to see if I can find some food that will fit within my calories.
-Silas
Turns out I'm super healthy, I just happen to be *gasp!* overweight.
So there's that.
It has been easy to stay within my calorie range so far today. I had to fast until the appointment so that they could get the correct blood work results. So not much food yet today.
I'll see how today goes. I won't like - I'm struggling a bit with cravings. That happens when I don't eat enough. I'll have to see if I can find some food that will fit within my calories.
-Silas
Friday, May 22, 2015
Lunch went well.
Weird. I have a non-zero pageview count. That means that at least one person is reading this. That's kind of strange. But welcome. :)
The lunch today with my brother was fun. We went to a sandwich shop. Had a ham sandwich, buffalo dressing, no cheese, tons of veggies. 5 inch. Totally worth it. And no, it wasn't THAT sandwich shop. Yes, it was 5 inches. Somehow - they do 5 inch increments instead of 6.
After that, we went to a large open grassy field and ran my new truck around for a while. It was fantastic. A little chilly, as a storm is blowing in.
But so far so good today. I'm feeling pretty happy about things, all things considered.
And two blog updates in one day!
I'll most likely be offline until Monday. See you on the flip side...
-Silas
The lunch today with my brother was fun. We went to a sandwich shop. Had a ham sandwich, buffalo dressing, no cheese, tons of veggies. 5 inch. Totally worth it. And no, it wasn't THAT sandwich shop. Yes, it was 5 inches. Somehow - they do 5 inch increments instead of 6.
After that, we went to a large open grassy field and ran my new truck around for a while. It was fantastic. A little chilly, as a storm is blowing in.
But so far so good today. I'm feeling pretty happy about things, all things considered.
And two blog updates in one day!
I'll most likely be offline until Monday. See you on the flip side...
-Silas
More struggles, and happily, success.
The ups and downs are normal. I get that. Yesterday it was much easier to say no to the things that I knew I shouldn't eat.
This morning? Wow. I had to remind myself that actually yes, just giving in this morning WILL hurt me. That if I give in today, it's not like I'm going to magically not want to eat incredible amounts of high calorie food tomorrow. And if I give in today, then tomorrow will suck. So will Sunday. And Monday morning, I'd be right back at the grocery store, buying more chips and donuts.
It is truly a never-ending cycle. I have to somehow learn to just stay OFF of it. Today I have been able to do that once again.
I'm going to lunch with my brother. It should be a good time. I told him I'd like to go get a sandwich. Something under 500 calories, and I'll be just fine.
Until then - well, I've had a small breakfast again, and I need to keep everything else away. I should be able to do it.
Exercise wise - well, I'm not where I should be yet. One step at a time. I think that my next project is going to be working on getting to the gym again.
Have I mentioned how much I love/hate going to the gym?
I love working out, when my knees don't hurt. After I get past a certain point - there are many of you who understand - I really do get the endorphins. It's an amazing feeling.
However, this is also the same gym where I won the weight-loss competition. There are some of the trainers who are rather constantly there (go figure). I know this is probably rather narcissistic, but I really hate walking by when they are there. I know they know who I am. I know they wonder what has happened.
Or maybe they don't wonder. Maybe they've seen it all too often.
Regardless, I am always completely mortified. Yes, I know I should just get over it. But I am very truly ashamed of what has happened over the past 10 months. I have gone from very lean, very fit, to out of control again.
I feel a great amount of shame at what I have done to myself. The fact that it is so very visible makes it impossible to hide. Even though I want to so very bad.
I don't know if anyone recognizes me. I really don't. But it always feels like it. Maybe deep down inside I'm one of those people who judges others. I don't know - if so, it's buried somewhere in my subconscious. I try not to.
But it would explain why also, deep down inside, I feel judged for my weight and my struggles.
I don't know. But I think that this is something that I need to find out.
Well - this post has taken a very different turn from where it started, but I feel that it has been the right way to go. I need a lot more honest introspection. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me, making me tick, so that I can make some longer-term changes.
The struggle is real.
Anyway, there were some things last week that I posted, one of which was a list of "daily" things that absolutely has to be done daily. I've sort of let that go, what with being sick and a hurt knee.
I think it's time to bring it back up again.
I'm here. I'm fighting. And sometimes, I'm even winning.
-Silas
This morning? Wow. I had to remind myself that actually yes, just giving in this morning WILL hurt me. That if I give in today, it's not like I'm going to magically not want to eat incredible amounts of high calorie food tomorrow. And if I give in today, then tomorrow will suck. So will Sunday. And Monday morning, I'd be right back at the grocery store, buying more chips and donuts.
It is truly a never-ending cycle. I have to somehow learn to just stay OFF of it. Today I have been able to do that once again.
I'm going to lunch with my brother. It should be a good time. I told him I'd like to go get a sandwich. Something under 500 calories, and I'll be just fine.
Until then - well, I've had a small breakfast again, and I need to keep everything else away. I should be able to do it.
Exercise wise - well, I'm not where I should be yet. One step at a time. I think that my next project is going to be working on getting to the gym again.
Have I mentioned how much I love/hate going to the gym?
I love working out, when my knees don't hurt. After I get past a certain point - there are many of you who understand - I really do get the endorphins. It's an amazing feeling.
However, this is also the same gym where I won the weight-loss competition. There are some of the trainers who are rather constantly there (go figure). I know this is probably rather narcissistic, but I really hate walking by when they are there. I know they know who I am. I know they wonder what has happened.
Or maybe they don't wonder. Maybe they've seen it all too often.
Regardless, I am always completely mortified. Yes, I know I should just get over it. But I am very truly ashamed of what has happened over the past 10 months. I have gone from very lean, very fit, to out of control again.
I feel a great amount of shame at what I have done to myself. The fact that it is so very visible makes it impossible to hide. Even though I want to so very bad.
I don't know if anyone recognizes me. I really don't. But it always feels like it. Maybe deep down inside I'm one of those people who judges others. I don't know - if so, it's buried somewhere in my subconscious. I try not to.
But it would explain why also, deep down inside, I feel judged for my weight and my struggles.
I don't know. But I think that this is something that I need to find out.
Well - this post has taken a very different turn from where it started, but I feel that it has been the right way to go. I need a lot more honest introspection. I need to figure out what is going on inside of me, making me tick, so that I can make some longer-term changes.
The struggle is real.
Anyway, there were some things last week that I posted, one of which was a list of "daily" things that absolutely has to be done daily. I've sort of let that go, what with being sick and a hurt knee.
I think it's time to bring it back up again.
I'm here. I'm fighting. And sometimes, I'm even winning.
-Silas
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Day off yesterday!
I spent the entire day with my wife yesterday as an anniversary celebration. Since our actual anniversary was busy, we wanted another day to just spend hanging out. It was fun!
Doesn't do well, though, for updating the blog.
Still, I'm feeling very good, and very calm about everything. Food yesterday was probably a wash - I don't know how much of a deficit I had, but I certainly didn't have a surplus, so there's that. This morning I didn't have any ill effects from it. I had the normal tug towards going and buying the crap - but it was not overly hard to dissuade myself. I really count that as a win.
So far today feeling good about things and motivation is medium to high.
-Silas
Doesn't do well, though, for updating the blog.
Still, I'm feeling very good, and very calm about everything. Food yesterday was probably a wash - I don't know how much of a deficit I had, but I certainly didn't have a surplus, so there's that. This morning I didn't have any ill effects from it. I had the normal tug towards going and buying the crap - but it was not overly hard to dissuade myself. I really count that as a win.
So far today feeling good about things and motivation is medium to high.
-Silas
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Harder before it gets easier.
I've been here before. I know this drill. I know how it works. This morning was the roughest yet. I had to very specifically tell myself not to drive into any parking lots except for my work. It would have been so very easy to just drive into the grocery store. Just some fruits and veggies. And a sandwich for lunch. Also that bag of chips, and...
Well, you get the point. I actually changed lanes so that I would have to cut across traffic.
This is the addiction brain talking, folks. I am at the point right now where I need to do things like this. I felt the "zombie" coming on. I felt the lack of control start to settle in. It's almost a haze, a stupor. I had to specifically shake myself out of it.
But I did it.
This morning was a battle. But for now, I have won.
1 banana, 3/4 C granola, 3/4 C milk. That's all until lunch, except for possibly some free berries when the 9:00 hour hits. Wait, free berries? Drop the possibly.
What helped me out this morning was, frankly, what I had posted yesterday - I am looking to get some rewards for losing some weight, and knowing that they were dangled in front of me, I told myself that it was worth it to me to make better decisions.
And it's true. But here's the catch - there is not always going to be the carrot to dangle in front of myself. I know that sometime I'm going to have to do this for much different reasons - because it's the right food to eat, because I want to care for myself. But right now, those motivations are simply not enough to overcome whatever pathways have been burned into my brain.
For now, it is going to get harder before it gets easier. And my motivations have to be enough to get me over the proverbial hump.
I am working on it.
But for today, I have conquered.
And that is enough.
-Silas
Well, you get the point. I actually changed lanes so that I would have to cut across traffic.
This is the addiction brain talking, folks. I am at the point right now where I need to do things like this. I felt the "zombie" coming on. I felt the lack of control start to settle in. It's almost a haze, a stupor. I had to specifically shake myself out of it.
But I did it.
This morning was a battle. But for now, I have won.
1 banana, 3/4 C granola, 3/4 C milk. That's all until lunch, except for possibly some free berries when the 9:00 hour hits. Wait, free berries? Drop the possibly.
What helped me out this morning was, frankly, what I had posted yesterday - I am looking to get some rewards for losing some weight, and knowing that they were dangled in front of me, I told myself that it was worth it to me to make better decisions.
And it's true. But here's the catch - there is not always going to be the carrot to dangle in front of myself. I know that sometime I'm going to have to do this for much different reasons - because it's the right food to eat, because I want to care for myself. But right now, those motivations are simply not enough to overcome whatever pathways have been burned into my brain.
For now, it is going to get harder before it gets easier. And my motivations have to be enough to get me over the proverbial hump.
I am working on it.
But for today, I have conquered.
And that is enough.
-Silas
Monday, May 18, 2015
Anniversary weekend
Happy Monday Morning!
Last weekend was a land mine of food. I went on an overnight campout with my two boys (and about 50 other people from my neighborhood). A couple of friends talked me into doing some dutch oven cooking with them. The food was good, but after a single serving, we offered all of the food to our friends. That's the kind of thing that I can do. What with all of the work that you do getting ready/setting up camp/running around the hills, I ended up with a pretty good calorie deficit.
My 18th Anniversary was over the weekend as well. Go us! It was a good time. We had a nice roast for dinner, didn't overdo it (especially since I'm really not that into gravy.) The kids made some brownies, I also didn't overdo them. For an anniversary weekend, I felt pretty good about it.
On the knee front - it is starting to feel significantly better. This is fantastic news. I am finally going to be able to start doing squats tonight. The last time I did any serious workouts, that is what I believe strengthened the muscles around my knees enough that they were able to stand up to the pounding that running puts them through.
So while I won't be running a ton in the next couple of weeks, I WILL be strengthening my knees. And walking a LOT.
Today's food so far - 1/2 C Granola, 3/4 C milk, 1 apple. Lunch today looks to be grilled chicken with green beans. Maybe I'll do the salad...
On a PERSONAL note, on Saturday I bought a truck for the first time in my life...
It's a 1/10 scale 4x4 RC monster truck. I've been wanting a new hobby for a while now - my old one was the aforementioned dutch oven cooking. While being a lot of fun, this does not lend itself to weight loss.
So for the new hobby - I wanted to get into something that had absolutely nothing to do with food. A nice RC truck seemed like it would fit the bill quite nicely. :) The irony was that the moment I purchased it, it started raining. And has rained for a lot of my free time since. But hey, they waterproof the electronics in these things for a reason.
I've turned it over a few times already, getting it scuffed a bit, but that's par for the course. It cruises through even the jungle that has become my lawn. (Have I mentioned the rain? It keeps me from mowing). I think that I am going to have a blast. And at any rate, while it's going, I am not eating.
This is the type of hobby, however, that can really start to become pricey. So - since I'm thinking I need some accessories, I may just have to see what I can to to have this help me lose weight. I'm thinking that for every 10 pounds lost I can get another accessory.
5 lbs - a second NiCd battery (for general crusing) - to kick-start me
10 lbs - a LiPo battery (they are more powerful)
20 lbs - the charger for the aforementioned battery (it will finally be useful)
30 lbs - another LiPo battery
40 lbs - the dual battery attachment kit
I'll see where I go from there.
I'm liking the idea of rewarding myself with non-food items that will make me more and more excited to not eat crap.
As a side note - this has already worked. This morning, when getting up, my brain was telling me to go back to the store again to buy crap. That hey, one more day won't hurt, and I can just start tomorrow.
I actually chuckled out loud. I was finally able to see the addiction brain for what it was. And I drove straight in to work.
So a good weekend, and an even better week in store.
-Silas
Last weekend was a land mine of food. I went on an overnight campout with my two boys (and about 50 other people from my neighborhood). A couple of friends talked me into doing some dutch oven cooking with them. The food was good, but after a single serving, we offered all of the food to our friends. That's the kind of thing that I can do. What with all of the work that you do getting ready/setting up camp/running around the hills, I ended up with a pretty good calorie deficit.
My 18th Anniversary was over the weekend as well. Go us! It was a good time. We had a nice roast for dinner, didn't overdo it (especially since I'm really not that into gravy.) The kids made some brownies, I also didn't overdo them. For an anniversary weekend, I felt pretty good about it.
On the knee front - it is starting to feel significantly better. This is fantastic news. I am finally going to be able to start doing squats tonight. The last time I did any serious workouts, that is what I believe strengthened the muscles around my knees enough that they were able to stand up to the pounding that running puts them through.
So while I won't be running a ton in the next couple of weeks, I WILL be strengthening my knees. And walking a LOT.
Today's food so far - 1/2 C Granola, 3/4 C milk, 1 apple. Lunch today looks to be grilled chicken with green beans. Maybe I'll do the salad...
On a PERSONAL note, on Saturday I bought a truck for the first time in my life...
It's a 1/10 scale 4x4 RC monster truck. I've been wanting a new hobby for a while now - my old one was the aforementioned dutch oven cooking. While being a lot of fun, this does not lend itself to weight loss.
So for the new hobby - I wanted to get into something that had absolutely nothing to do with food. A nice RC truck seemed like it would fit the bill quite nicely. :) The irony was that the moment I purchased it, it started raining. And has rained for a lot of my free time since. But hey, they waterproof the electronics in these things for a reason.
I've turned it over a few times already, getting it scuffed a bit, but that's par for the course. It cruises through even the jungle that has become my lawn. (Have I mentioned the rain? It keeps me from mowing). I think that I am going to have a blast. And at any rate, while it's going, I am not eating.
This is the type of hobby, however, that can really start to become pricey. So - since I'm thinking I need some accessories, I may just have to see what I can to to have this help me lose weight. I'm thinking that for every 10 pounds lost I can get another accessory.
5 lbs - a second NiCd battery (for general crusing) - to kick-start me
10 lbs - a LiPo battery (they are more powerful)
20 lbs - the charger for the aforementioned battery (it will finally be useful)
30 lbs - another LiPo battery
40 lbs - the dual battery attachment kit
I'll see where I go from there.
I'm liking the idea of rewarding myself with non-food items that will make me more and more excited to not eat crap.
As a side note - this has already worked. This morning, when getting up, my brain was telling me to go back to the store again to buy crap. That hey, one more day won't hurt, and I can just start tomorrow.
I actually chuckled out loud. I was finally able to see the addiction brain for what it was. And I drove straight in to work.
So a good weekend, and an even better week in store.
-Silas
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